Fenway officials have been reporting a steady rise in game-related quarrels at Fenway Park throughout the past few years. Understandably, this hostility has become a cause for concern among parents who intend for a wholesome day at the Park. The frequency at which the f-bombs fly is too often for the wellbeing of the littlest Sox fans, and tensions easily escalate from an exchange of curse words to a beer-spilling, sticky-fisted brawl.
Given this growing concern over game-day safety, Fenway Park has initiated a strategy to make Red Sox games a more family-friendly experience. Just in time for Opening Day, Fenway will be installing Swear Jars designed with Smart Technology throughout the park. Designed by current MIT undergrads, the digitally-encrypted Swear Jar will emit a high-pitched squeal until the offender places a dollar bill inside.
Key figures of the community have begun to show their solidarity for the Park’s newest amendment. Dunkin’ Donuts will be offering a tasty incentive for those who comply with the provision. After swear-free games, DD’s has pledged to give away free coffee to local Bostonians. Even Mayor Marty Walsh weighed in on the initiative, expressing his disgust for the current state of the park, and demanded the debauchery come to a screeching halt. “Boston is a world class city,” the Mayor said at a recent press conference, “it’s about time we started fakin’ acting like it.”
Since the Red Sox riot in 2004, Fenway’s Board of Directors have been busy brainstorming ways to buckle down on game-day raucous. In early 2007, members of the committee attempted to enact a “dry-park” policy, but later realized that fans would sneak in a fresh brewski one way or another. Not until recent years did they agree that curtailing offensive language would be the most viable solution in reducing the risk of altercations amongst fans.
When we reached out to hear the fans’ opinions on the no-swearing policy, we ran into Sean Sullivan of Medford. Sullivan was seen protesting the new ordinance on Lansdowne Street, holding a sign reading “NERDS SUCK.” When we interviewed him, he had a lot to get off his chest. “Lemme tell yah somethin’ ‘bout these dorky li’l MIT kids,” Sullivan took a drag of his cigarette, “me n’ my cousin Donny’ve been comin’ to this fakin’ park since I was a freakin’ twinkle in my dad’s friggin’ eye and no Cambridge nerd’s gonna make a fakin’ stupid li’l beepin’ box tellin’ me I can’t enjoy myself.” Crushing his cigarette under his New Balances, Sullivan raised his head to look up at the back of the scoreboard, ”it’s just wicked fakin’ stupid.”
Although we can’t agree with Sean’s sentiments exactly, we believe that censoring the fans may censor the experience. Could Fenway be overstepping their boundaries this time? What are your thoughts?
This is a fictional blogpost. Have a great fakin’ day.